The River of my life

I have often wondered why his memories are so much different than mine. We had the same experiences but yet I seem to be so different. I know we are different people but why can he let go so much easier than I can. How can he remember and be ok with it. When I remember something I feel pain, hurt and I dont want to remember. Somehow he is able to take it for the good time that they were and put it in the past. Something to definitely work towards I suppose.

But I do have a theory that just came to me. I have heard before that men are compartmentalized, like a brain of cupboards. They open one up at a time, look inside, feel whatever might be in there and then close it as soon as they are done. This would make sense...he remembers and then closes the door and is done with it. Can choose to remember good time and lessons learned and go on.

On the other hand woman are compared to a River where past, present and future all flow together. I feel like this is the way I am. First I dont remember things all that well. Well I remember what is currently going on the most. Recent lessons learned, things that need to be done, etc. But everything is still there just piled on top of each other. My theory is that once in a while a under-toe comes along and pushes what is underneath to the surface and just like that I am hit.

I am hit with the memories and feelings and hurt of him all over again. They are fresh, almost like they were in the past. But it was years ago someone might say. But that doesnt seem to matter. The feelings are real as ever. So I find that it is a necessary evil. You see I only remember what I care about or rather what I have cared about. So I either go through this every once in a while or I deny if ever happened. Which I dont think is even possible.

What I do want to work towards is the way he is. He remembers, he knows he felt it, he learned from it, and now he is past it. Not denying it nor holding onto it. This seems to not make sense but such is the River of my life. I know that as time goes on my river will fill with more and more and he soon will just become a memory and experience learned. This is what I believe now, hopefully I wont remember feelings of love, pain and hurt though. I loved and that is fine to remember but to feel a present feeling of love like I did back then, that is not ok.

I believe that is all for now. When I find something more in my River to vent about or push back under I shall write again.