New Year Resolutions

I wonder where did New Year Resolutions come from? Who started them. Why is there only one time a year that is a common time to set goals to become better. I never really have done the new years resolution thing. I was just thinking about it today though.

I want to lose weight. Be more patient. Be more positive. Be more productive. probably more but that is what come to mind right now but I dont know if I want to say those are my New Year Resolutions. I suppose it is something to go off of though and then to look back at the end of the year and see how you did.

I suppose if I would have written down some New Year Resolutions last year I would be able to look back on them right now and see how I did. I suppose that is not such a bad idea. So I guess I have decided I will do that, write down some things I want to work on for the year and look back.

These are in no particular order of importance. Lose weight. Well I have had two children and have gained about 15 lbs of unwanted weight because of it. So I would like to lose that weight and tone up. My goal is to fit in my pants i wore before I got married, which were a size 3. hmm I should probably have a time limit. I think I will give myself 3 months. 5 lbs a month. That should be pretty easy.

Be more positive. Steps to being more positive.....How about say something positive to everyone I talk to. Look at the blessing in things that happen. Compliment excessively. That sounds like good stuff but it is easier said than done. Writing this down will help be a continual reminder. I will also write down experiences and progress here to help keep it in mind.

Be more productive. I need to keep up on chores around the house. I will do at least one chore a day to keep the house in order. These include a load of laundry folded and put away, vacuuming a room, Empty and load dishwasher, Disinfect surfaces of living room and kitchen, clean bedroom, clean bathroom. I am sure there are more but those are the biggest.

I would also like to eat more fruits and vegetables for me and my family. hmm this one is harder to try to set steps to. How about have fruit integrated into breakfast everyday. A raw vegetable like carrots or cucumbers integrated into lunch everyday or fruit I guess, and a vegetable integrated into dinner every night. Something like asparagus, squash, broccoli, stuff like that. In order to do this I will need to go grocery shopping every week to get fresh fruits and vegetables. This is a HUGE thing. I dont know if I will be able to do it all at once. I will be satisfied at first if I am able to do it 3 days a week.

Be more patient. Everyone always could use more patience it seems. I need it with my girls, particularly my toddler. A system to be more patient.....I think the best thing for me is to let things go, dont be so particular about behaviors and also to remove myself from the situation. Now you cant just leave your child, so I will either put her in another room or I will go in another room. I will think positive and strive to bring the best out of her.

Well that is all for now. I would like to document how I feel I am doing every week or so or at least every month. That is all for now. Merry Christmas!

Sleep

I dont understand why I cant sleep! I think I have been ruined by having children. Seems like this is a common thing women have after they have children. My mom seemed to not be able to sleep alot also.

How can you get your brain to turn off? I just cant stop thinking about this or that. If there is a off button please tell me where it is. I have tried reading and my eyes get to where they are heavy and I cant focus anymore but then I lay down in bed and still no sleep. I dont think it help that my husband AND baby in the room snore.

And now I just dont want to try anymore because baby should be waking up again soon to eat. If anyone has any relaxing or getting to sleep techniques, please let me know.

Stones in the River Lyrics

The chorus of this song has been in my head all week. I really like this song.

Four years old at his front door he watches while his daddy drives away
He knows that something's wrong when he sees the tears on momma's face
And his whole life will change

Teenage boy just down the road is suffering from choices in his life
He's turning to the Lord changing getting stronger with time
But never knew it was so hard

Like stones in the river we are tossed and turned
When the current moves so strong
But stones in living waters over time
Are shaped until the edges are gone
Polished and smooth that's what we will be
If we put ourselves in God's hands
Each day of our lives is a gift from the Giver
To smooth all the edges like stones in the river

It's been three weeks since the last card of sympathy arrived
Her love of thirty years is gone she wonders how she will survive
On her own
Standing on the curb one winter night they watch their house burn to the ground
The family pictures every keepsake even her wedding gown
All they own is gone

Like stones in the river we are tossed and turned
When the current moves so strong
But stones in living waters over time
Are shaped until the edges are gone
Polished and smooth that's what we will be
If we put ourselves in God's hands
Each day of our lives is a gift from the Giver
To smooth all the edges like stones in the river
The trials of our lives can work for our good
if we let the Savior's love surround us refine us

Like stones in the river we are tossed and turned
When the current moves so strong
But stones in living waters over time
Are shaped until the edges are gone
Polished and smooth that's what we will be
If we put ourselves in God's hands
Each day of our lives is a gift from the Giver
To smooth all the edges like stones in the river
To smooth all the edges like stones in the river

So Very Blessed

Looking back on my life, seeing my present and looking to the future, I know I am so very blessed. I have see my Heavenly Fathers hand leading me and helping me along my path. Giving me just what I need when I need it and blessing me when I try just the tiniest bit harder to do what is right and keep His commandments.

Just a few examples so I don't ever forget. One blessing I feel is unique is being able to love at a young age, despite the lack of love I saw in my home. I believe not many people can say their very first kiss was something meaningful. I have heard countless stories of people's first kiss being with someone they didnt really know or didn't really care about. I was determined to not kiss until 16 and then not just kiss anyone. I believe this was a gift from my Heavenly Father.

Later down the road I made some mistakes and was miserable but I see now that it really was a short period of time. I am grateful I did not spend yrs to learn what I needed to. So I moved away, got away from all my weaknesses and decided to start over. In order to do this I had to have a clean slate. Went through my repentance process but I also swore of boys, well kissing, until my birthday. The new age would bring the new start. This was very healthy for me and I was no longer dependent.

Two weeks after my birthday I met a boy and he was the first person I kissed. We had a rocky road, mostly because of me and my insecurities, but over a yrs time, 3 break ups and much growing and forgiving on both parts, he became my husband. This may not sound like a blessing but it truly is the greatest blessing of my life. Even the way our relationship went shows me Heavenly Father is in my life and giving me exactly what I need. The situation was much like my first love, I believe Heavenly Father did this for me to show me that I can truly be loved. My husband went through alot of rejection from me, I had and still have many insecurities, but he still loved me through them and of course still does.

Next blessing is my girls. They are teaching me love better than anyone else could. Not only them but seeing my husband love me through pregnancies, which of course entails all sorts of craziness. I was talking to an old friend they other day and she said it took her and her husband 7 yrs. get their relationship back after each child (they have two). And here we married 2 1/2 yrs, have two children and were not falling apart. I didnt think that was so unique but I really think it is.

There is definitely no one else more perfect for me than my husband. He seems to always give me exactly what I need to learn and grow and become better. Of course no one is perfect but we have grown so amazingly well together and have learned so much in such a short period of time. I feel like we have learned things people don't learn their whole marriage.

These are the major blessings of my life. The life changing type. But of course there are the everyday things that Heavenly Father does, including giving these realizations. The other major blessing in our life is paying tithing and seeing the blessings that flow because of it. Money has come out of no where sometime. We have received scholarships that we didnt even know existed. And so many other times and ways we have been blessed.

I know that all I/we need to do is try our best. No one will be perfect but I know Heavenly Father knows us and our hearts and as we strive to do better, we will be blessed immensely. I know that getting married in the temple has blessed my marriage. I know the atonement is real and I can and I am forgiven for my weaknesses and continue to learn and grow no matter what. I know the only person who ever wants us to beat ourselves up over doing something wrong is the adversary. I know I am loved more than I could ever understand but as I try to do what is right I see that love a little bit more.

Life is Good! It certainly has its many challenges but I know in the end it will all just be a small moment. Eternal perspective is imperative to get through the challenges.

May we never forget who gives us the life we have!

Be someone people can count on

Looking back on my life I feel kinda sad. It seems I dont have many lasting friends. I was home schooled til 4th grade and then my mom started a private school that I attended until 9th grade and then I did a High School Correspondence course to graduate High School and started going to college.

I always had friends growing up, but none long term. I would usually have a best friend for a yr or 2 at the most and then they would move on to public school. I have tried to figure out if this was because I wasn't a good friend or maybe I didn't have genuine friends or what.

So I have come up with a resolution. I want to be someone people can count on. Anytime anyone needs something, I am going to do all in my power to do that for them. I think that is the best definition of a friend, someone who is there for you.

Hopefully as time passes I can have some long lasting friendships. The kind where you can pick up where you left off even after going separate ways and coming back together.

Well thats all for now, I just let me know if anyone needs anything ;)

Don't be Ashamed of what You Want!

Recently I read an interesting article that I found very profound. This article talked about how our society basically tells us we shouldn't want things. Or rather admit that we want things.

The biggest problem there seems to be with this, is in relationship. People are scared to tell other what they really want. Most the time because they are afraid of what they might judge them of being. For example: A husband and wife are going to go out to dinner. Wife asks where do you want to go and husband respond wherever you want.
Wife: how about italian?
Husband: No thats too heavy
wife: how about chinese?
Hus.: No I had chinese for lunch
and it goes on with a few more options, all rejected for some reason or another, finally she says again "where do you want to go" and again she gets "Wherever you want."

This sounds like a very frustrating situation but I am sure most people can say they have experienced it or seen it in some form or another. So in this situation, really he does care and want something specific or he just doesn't want to think about it and plays this guessing game (making his wife think of all the places they could go).

Some more very interesting examples: A man complains to his coworker that his wife is always telling him what he is doing wrong and its getting him down, he knows she is right but he just cant handle all the negativity. He thinks they might have to split up. He says all he really needs or whats is for her to assure him that she loves him and they will always be together. So why doesn't he just tell her what he WANTS and needs. Well she might think im too sensitive or soft... What! You would rather separate instead of tell her what you want.

Another crazy story: Woman gets married, husband drinks, she wants him to stop. So she figures she will get pregnant and that has to get him to stop. He does for a short time and then starts up again. Four children later she is divorced. She gets married again, man is unfaithful, figures she will get pregnant and he wont be. Three children later he leaves her. She would rather have a child than tell a man what she wants or needs!

These might sound far fetched but really, I think we all do it in some form or another. I think the most common form is to try to drop "hints" and hope the other person picks them up.
For Example: A woman wants to have more sex with her husband but she doesn't tell him because she is afraid he will think she is not satisfied or slutty or something. So she buy more lingerie and trys to look her best for bed and when it doesn't work feels helpless and unloved.

So why do we do this to ourselves? What is so horrible about admitting what u want? I think there is two sides to it, one fear of judgment (huge) and two believing we don't deserve what we want. I have come away from these thought resolved that I will tell people what I want. My husband and I talked about what we want and it brought us closer together. I think u also need to work on realizing what u want, that is another part that takes work.

Another point the article brought up was in the end we become what we say we want. whether its something you want to become, earn, live, etc. But if we never say it, we give that potential away.

The River of my life

I have often wondered why his memories are so much different than mine. We had the same experiences but yet I seem to be so different. I know we are different people but why can he let go so much easier than I can. How can he remember and be ok with it. When I remember something I feel pain, hurt and I dont want to remember. Somehow he is able to take it for the good time that they were and put it in the past. Something to definitely work towards I suppose.

But I do have a theory that just came to me. I have heard before that men are compartmentalized, like a brain of cupboards. They open one up at a time, look inside, feel whatever might be in there and then close it as soon as they are done. This would make sense...he remembers and then closes the door and is done with it. Can choose to remember good time and lessons learned and go on.

On the other hand woman are compared to a River where past, present and future all flow together. I feel like this is the way I am. First I dont remember things all that well. Well I remember what is currently going on the most. Recent lessons learned, things that need to be done, etc. But everything is still there just piled on top of each other. My theory is that once in a while a under-toe comes along and pushes what is underneath to the surface and just like that I am hit.

I am hit with the memories and feelings and hurt of him all over again. They are fresh, almost like they were in the past. But it was years ago someone might say. But that doesnt seem to matter. The feelings are real as ever. So I find that it is a necessary evil. You see I only remember what I care about or rather what I have cared about. So I either go through this every once in a while or I deny if ever happened. Which I dont think is even possible.

What I do want to work towards is the way he is. He remembers, he knows he felt it, he learned from it, and now he is past it. Not denying it nor holding onto it. This seems to not make sense but such is the River of my life. I know that as time goes on my river will fill with more and more and he soon will just become a memory and experience learned. This is what I believe now, hopefully I wont remember feelings of love, pain and hurt though. I loved and that is fine to remember but to feel a present feeling of love like I did back then, that is not ok.

I believe that is all for now. When I find something more in my River to vent about or push back under I shall write again.